What if I AM Mediocre?

and so what if I am...

FYI no AI in this post, all mistakes and missteps are my own.

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 If you are a creative, you know deep inside that there is more to the work we do then the work itself. Some would argue that work-whether writing, creative visual art, or any other making process, can function solely as an object-something to be bartered or sold-a product. I would argue otherwise.  If you can detach yourself from what you do, more power to you. I am not built of that ilk. Creating visual art, or poetry, requires more from me than just a half assed slap dash approach with the mind set of making a thing. To believe what I am spending my hours on matters in the grander scheme of existence I need to accept the fact that something is required of me beyond just throwing words, or paint, or paper around. It requires ‘me’-my whole presence, my attention, my openness to the process, my vulnerability, my ‘self’. If work is to have soul, it requires a soul investment, and this is where it gets sticky.  

There is a price to pay for this sort of “all in” investment of time, energy, and heart. Our work-if it is to have any true meaning, means we are on full display. That any criticism, or comparisons, or dismissals will be felt on an intimate level. If you’ve spent time in a professional arena as a creative, you are taught to handle or manage any negative reaction to your work as part of a day’s work. It can be a hard-won attitude to affect. There are many things about my formal training that I’ve let go, but one thing I have kept is the ability to put work out there inoculated against whatever commentary follows. It has also made me suspicious of any positive responses but that could also be a part of my jaded old self. One thing remains-which seems diametrically opposed to what I just said-is the vulnerability of putting work out there for all to see.

As inoculated as I may be against criticism, I am not immune to the angst of feeling exposed. I still get those icky feelings that go along with sharing work in the public sphere. No matter how hard I try to separate myself from my work there always lurks those internal, and infernal, voices that creep in to rattle my resolve. I’ve long come to accept that I am neither very good, nor very bad when it comes to art and writing. I’ve landed somewhere in the middle. Is this a problem? Only if I want it to be. What if I am mediocre? So what if I am(there is a great interview with Malcolm Gladwell about mediocrity I’ll link at the end of the post). What I feel most deeply is not the need to be amazing at whatever I do, but to simply do it. The compulsion to create is not an accidental urge-it comes from somewhere outside the orbit of self-expression-though it contains that element-and rests in a soul expression. The response to an urge that rises not from a need to be seen, but from an intangible, spiritual locus, and by acting on this ‘urge’ I am, in essence, acting out of an obedience to more than just my desires. If this sounds a little woo-woo I am ok with that too.

Fear is a key player in the creative life. It dances around the edges poking our creative hearts with its sharp stick when we say yes to an idea or begin a new project. Fear can disguise itself as comparison- we see what others are doing and fall into the trap of ‘not as good as’ or ‘I can’t do that’.  It can also sneak in under the guise of distractions. How often do we lose time doing things that keep us from doing the soul work we long to do? I’m totally guilty of this! It’s one of the reasons I left Facebook almost ten years ago and why I’ve ghosted Instagram since November. I am only keeping my accounts because of Respite Workshops and book related posts (I am lousy at marketing making this excuse weak!). Fear can sound like whispers too-the ones that tell us we need to be practical, or that we aren’t the “creative one”, or even more to the point-we aren’t good enough. The list of ways fear inhibits our creative work is every changing and never ending.

How do you stay motivated and encouraged to go forward when fear starts poking around?  Practice. There is a reason creative work is frequently called a practice. It is ever evolving, always growing and to maintain it you need to practice it-not perfect it-practice it. To grow your work takes practice. To develop the ability to push back against the fear takes practice. Sometimes it takes giving yourself permission to just try-to make something messy, imperfect, or like I say in my workshops “wonky”.  Think of when children learn to write their letters-they are crooked, backwards, misshapen and entirely endearing. We encourage them to keep practicing, keep trying until they are finally able to write with some consistency and we celebrate their accomplishments along the way. They grow up to have their own style of handwriting, unique to who they are. It would be a cruel teacher that berates and compares a five-year-olds efforts to write their name, yet it is what we do to ourselves when we attempt to create something new. We need to offer ourselves the grace to try, the space to work out our creative natures, and self-kindness for the process. If you are like me at all, I believe my creativity is a calling and is woven into the essence of who I am created to be-in fact, I believe we ALL have a creative calling that manifests in a multitude of ways. 

Back to grace…there is the reality of life to contend with too. Sometimes it isn’t fear that derails us but the stuff of ordinary life. Things come up, illness happens (I’m looking at you weak immune system serving up the fourth serving of sickness in ’24 so far), and the responsibilities of work, family, and all things human. We can do everything possible to circumvent our fears only to be frustrated by reality. It happens. And it can be just as hard to be gentle with ourselves in these circumstances as it is to fight the intrusions of fear, judgement, comparison. But be gentle. Breathe deeply. It will come, in its time, it will come. Until then take notes, observe, save it all up for when it does come and you’ll be ready, but most of all, give yourself the grace you need to keep the fear and frustration from getting the upper hand.

So, maybe this whole post was a way to preach to myself, to wag a finger and remind my distractable heart to have grace, to practice when I can, and to just keep going forward. What about you? What words would encourage you today?  What one thing could you do to feed your creative spirit? For me it was getting this post together and sharing a couple of poems I am considering including in the new book and giving an update on the first book (finished-hooray!) and share what it looks like. There will also be hot tea…

This is what my editing process practice looks like…